Marianne’s Journal Entry #3
“You are weak Marianne. You are so ignorant Marianne. You are stupid Marianne. You are fake Marianne. Why are you so pretentious Marianne? Why do you not care Marianne? Why do you not voice it out Marianne? Why do you think like that Marianne?”
Sometimes, even though people do not say it to my face I somehow get all this negative words in my thoughts as if people are saying it to me through their eyes or body language. It’s my intuitive nature that sees it. Hence, if their hearts and minds think this of me – true or not, or maybe call me assuming. Does this bother me at all? it does sometimes. I do get tempted to argue and sometimes even lash out because sometimes words can get on my nerves and the provoking ones people say sometimes can just really irk me. I used to hate the feeling but now I understand.
You see, I do have my stand in politics. Every time I speak it out, people do not get me because I will always include bible verses and they will just find me weird and find me religious. I do have my stand in relationship, but people will judge me right away that I’ll end up being single for the rest of my life because of my principles. I was even called a prude once without even knowing my testimony. I do have my stand in such ideas, but it’s never to the extreme that people will think I am safe and pretentious but I am never grey, i just always put in my biblical principles to everything I do. I do have a stand in everything but sometimes people just do not get me even when I explain it. It’s quite depressing sometimes thinking no one will ever get me, it is lonely.
I used to be an angry woman because I love being right, I love being correct, and I love when people support what I support. However, that habit of arguing and being right never really helped me in life. I wasted time and even years of arguing just because I believe I am right. But now, I am aware… I am aware of what anger and grudge can produce – as I look at Jonah’s life and remembering when God asked him “Do you do well to be angry?”. I realise how anger that turns to grudge just produce a rotten fruit that sucks up life to death.
I realise when I am mad or when I am tempted to lash out, I open a door to my sinful nature – which I loathe. I always do my best to be calm but when it’s too hard I just shut down now and just walk away. I do not care about my feelings anymore, but what I care for is what my tongue will say because I used to hurt people with words. I just cannot do that anymore. I hate it. It’s really a struggle but whenever I reminded of my hope, I get by. The hope that there is more to life than what the world offers and what it speaks about. The human nature have the inclinations to be so self-serving hence the complexities of human thoughts, that’s why arguing is tempting. But when I dig deeper whether I look to left or right, worldly topics have flaws and blind sided research. All will fade away anyway.
As God continues to renew my mind, I realise that I’d rather cry when people wrong me in their hearts, thoughts, words, and deeds. When I see injustice, I’ll cry it out to God. When a government rises up in tyranny, I’ll cry it out to God. I’d rather be God-inclined rather than earthly-inclined even though it is so easy to be worldly because I am still on earth and in flesh. Not everyone understands that narrow is the gate that leads to life and the wide gate leads to destruction. I get so distressed with my surroundings and environment that sometimes I am thankful I am not God because seeing how much sin there is in this world is just too much bear. — 8 (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard) 2 Peter 2:8
Every time that anger comes knocking into my heart, I can’t help but notice the issues in my heart, it bothers me so much. Hence, I cry it out because it makes me so mad. But I cry out even more. I tell everything to God like a child as he is my father. I’d rather cry it out than say words I do not really mean to someone. 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:6-8
Also, when I tend to be angry – I search my heart why did it affect me so much? Why am I giving it power over me? Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Psalm 4:4 . I realise as I follow Jesus’ teaching I slowly take no notice of everything the world offers, as my faith helps my spirit outgrow everything that is happening around me.
To anyone who feels the same way, I’ll leave this with you as an encouragement: 7 and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked 8 (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard); 9 then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, 2 Peter 2:7-9a