Marianne’s Journal Entry #4
Today, I learnt the importance of pain even though I have read such topics from other books and heard testimonies on how trials have shaped the lives of different people. My take on this topic isn’t so different from others but I still have the urge to write because this time it’s mine and it’s personal. You can make it personal too if you will relate. I guess we all relate in different ways because we all have different circumstances.
I will start by how I suffer and what made me suffer. I am afraid. I have a fear of failure and rejection that I believe is gone but sometimes it still creeps in me. I could say it’s all gone but I am weak. I acknowledge that and I admit it. I could say I am only human but I really hate saying that because it’s earthly. I do not like to comfort myself by justifying that I am not perfect which will cripple my actions because such comfort can be stimulating that says it is okay even when it is really not, I do not want to be deceived. So am I being hard on myself? not really. My fears and anxiety make me call on God. I always pray. Praying is a gift for me, it is too precious and it is my fuel.
When I am worried, I tend to eat junk food (stress eating). When I am lonely, I binge watch romantic comedy tv shows in Netflix. Years ago, I used to smoke to calm my nerves and control my stress. I also used to drink and party all out to forget real time problems. Yes, I used to love living in fantasy just like in the movies. My life was poisoned by worldly love. Now, as I continue to grow, I can’t help but notice how the habits formed during my former years tend to knock on the door in my new life so I could relapse. It is a spiritual warfare but by his grace I am what I am right now.
Life right now loves to challenge me in many ways. I am weak but for some reason by the wonderful grace of Jesus, I find strength out of nowhere (but it’s really because of his grace). I learnt that devoting my life to reading the Bible and praying everyday brings healing to my mind everyday. I learnt that going through all the pain is important even though the pain is beyond explanation. Although, I will still try to explain it by asking questions to heighten the intensity. Do you guys know how hard and painful it is to stop smoking? do you know how painful it is to invest life and love to someone that just trashed every sacrifice done? do you guys know how hard it is to kneel down and pray even when the flesh just wants to sleep? do you know how painful it is to be reminded of how far I am from my love ones? do you know how painful it is to get back up when life is designed to crush my hopes?. Hmmm, I bet you do.
Overall, as I continue to read and learn, It’s finally sinking in why pain is important because I’ve been waiting for – healing, inner peace, and ambition. I learnt that avoiding pain solves nothing. Avoiding pain by stress eating, binge watching fantasies, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and more only bears rotten fruit such as insecurity, fear, and continuous death. We all need to go through all of that pain so we could be hungry and thirsty for healing and peace. That hunger and thirst drove me to call unto God who is full of grace, that hunger and thirst is the increase of my eagerness to find myself in Jesus Christ. Knowing Him and learning what He wants me to do bears good fruit in my lifestyle (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual). Once I’m fed, I’m strengthened.
5 But to obtain these gifts, you need more than faith; you must also work hard to be good, and even that is not enough. For then you must learn to know God better and discover what he wants you to do. 6 Next, learn to put aside your own desires so that you will become patient and godly, gladly letting God have his way with you. 7 This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply. 8 The more you go on in this way, the more you will grow strong spiritually and become fruitful and useful to our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But anyone who fails to go after these additions to faith is blind indeed, or at least very shortsighted and has forgotten that God delivered him from the old life of sin so that now he can live a strong, good life for the Lord. 2 Peter 1
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1