Battling against homesickness…

Marianne’s Journal Entry #1

Hey yo! How are you and you and you?,

WEDNESDAY, AUSTRALIA – One night, I dreamt of a beautiful dinner date but was suddenly interrupted when I woke up. I saw a beautiful banqueting hall with a specific table and chair just for me and my date. I felt at peace, calm, only thinking of pure and noble love for my date (I somehow felt like I was in my spirit), then my date told me “My beloved, here’s the banquet hall leading to our table for my banner over you is love” (Song of Solomon 2:3-4) and I realise that it wasn’t just a date, it was a wedding and my groom was Jesus. As I was walking the halls leading to our table and chairs. I just woke up. It was interrupted. I did not have the chance to sit, or the chance to see Jesus, or the chance to have a conversation with Jesus. As I woke up, I instantly started thinking about Facebook, Instagram, things to do for the day; To be honest, waking up like that sucks, it was frustrating. I realise how it made me so aware how different the spirit is to my flesh (Galatians 5:17). But, I was also grateful because that was a beautiful vision and radical encounter I had with Jesus.

After a few days, I have felt a huge homesickness and had an urge to go back to the motherland but when I have searched my feelings I didn’t exactly want to go back. It kept me up all night wondering why do I feel so lonely despite my good relationship with my spiritual family here in Australia. I examined deeper, I did some comparisons by weighing the pros and cons, and I have come to the discovery I want to truly go home because I do not belong in this world anymore, I felt like an exile. I couldn’t figure why so I had a conversation with my Mom, who is my mentor, my coach, and of course my role model.

Before talking to my mom, I was stuck for a while feeling lonely. I asked friends what could this be, they told me to pray but in reality I was waiting for answers because I do pray for the struggle I was having; every time I am at my worst I cling to Jesus even more. I do my devotions everyday, I continually go to church every Sunday, I continually pray, I continually never give up on hearing and hearing the word, and interact godly activities . But finally, I opened up to my mom with the experience I was having she finally gave the answer I was looking for. She told me the reason why I was feeling homesick and lonely – It is because, I have finally deprived and emptied my flesh of ungodly activities which my flesh misses and the feelings I am feeling is the perfect reaction for my willingness for obedience for the flesh follows its own while the spirit honours and follows the will of God. She told me how I do not belong to this world anymore (John 15:19) and how I belong to another world which is the kingdom of God that can’t be found in the current world I am in but only through Jesus. I realise it’s the cares of this world that weighs me down and choke me to confusion (Matthew 13:22). So I am grateful for my mom who exposed me this.

Because of that Revelation, I reflected back on the vision God has given me, I realise how much I miss that dream but I also long for the day of His coming back. The wedding He had for me is also for every follower of Jesus. So I would want to share this verse:

Let us rejoice and exult
    and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
    and his Bride has made herself ready (Revelation 19:7)

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. (Revelation 21:2)

10 And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. (Matthew 25:10)

I have learnt that no matter where I go in this world there will always be an emphatic homesickness in me since I had the essence of what its like to be with Jesus. But at the same time, I am grateful for this because without this weakness I wouldn’t be able to understand. I have the similarity with Paul’s experience.

even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

Finally, while I am still alive I will continue to live in accordance to following the will of the Lord. For I long for the day of His coming as he promised. For even though I am weak He watches over me and takes care of me. My true home is not of this world. Also, I do not fear for the days to come because God is faithful.

Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. (Jeremiah 29:4-7)

10 “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

Therefore, I do not belong to this world and I don’t have to fight homesickness because it’s normal. In fact, I am embracing it as it reminds me of whom I truly belong to. Now, I would no longer be burdened for it is carried by Jesus and the weight of cynicism has been laid aside. I am now free of this world.

So the world has lost it’s grip on me ~ Tenth Avenue North

Beautiful Dream

I just want to fast track everything
where everything is a beautiful dream
I want to see myself flying free
and stop myself from asking and thinking
when will misery stop chasing me?
what if I start singing, dancing, or painting?
would my life be better off with these
I would love to end the following years
that does not look good for me
fast tracking everything where hardships
would probably not be haunting me
Too bad I can only see it by imagining it
I guess I could be more positive and believe
I could probably foresee the possibilities
The problem is wanting it immediately
Welcome to the frustrations of being me
so much to expect and believe
To die is gain indeed but so is living free
Here I am again, contemplating and reflecting
but thats just how it is, so I say so be it
Just let life to keep on shaping me & moulding me
into something precious like the amethyst
I just simply want to reach and achieve
that desire I have in me: beautiful dream

~ M. Salonga