Battling against homesickness…

Marianne’s Journal Entry #1

Hey yo! How are you and you and you?,

WEDNESDAY, AUSTRALIA – One night, I dreamt of a beautiful dinner date but was suddenly interrupted when I woke up. I saw a beautiful banqueting hall with a specific table and chair just for me and my date. I felt at peace, calm, only thinking of pure and noble love for my date (I somehow felt like I was in my spirit), then my date told me “My beloved, here’s the banquet hall leading to our table for my banner over you is love” (Song of Solomon 2:3-4) and I realise that it wasn’t just a date, it was a wedding and my groom was Jesus. As I was walking the halls leading to our table and chairs. I just woke up. It was interrupted. I did not have the chance to sit, or the chance to see Jesus, or the chance to have a conversation with Jesus. As I woke up, I instantly started thinking about Facebook, Instagram, things to do for the day; To be honest, waking up like that sucks, it was frustrating. I realise how it made me so aware how different the spirit is to my flesh (Galatians 5:17). But, I was also grateful because that was a beautiful vision and radical encounter I had with Jesus.

After a few days, I have felt a huge homesickness and had an urge to go back to the motherland but when I have searched my feelings I didn’t exactly want to go back. It kept me up all night wondering why do I feel so lonely despite my good relationship with my spiritual family here in Australia. I examined deeper, I did some comparisons by weighing the pros and cons, and I have come to the discovery I want to truly go home because I do not belong in this world anymore, I felt like an exile. I couldn’t figure why so I had a conversation with my Mom, who is my mentor, my coach, and of course my role model.

Before talking to my mom, I was stuck for a while feeling lonely. I asked friends what could this be, they told me to pray but in reality I was waiting for answers because I do pray for the struggle I was having; every time I am at my worst I cling to Jesus even more. I do my devotions everyday, I continually go to church every Sunday, I continually pray, I continually never give up on hearing and hearing the word, and interact godly activities . But finally, I opened up to my mom with the experience I was having she finally gave the answer I was looking for. She told me the reason why I was feeling homesick and lonely – It is because, I have finally deprived and emptied my flesh of ungodly activities which my flesh misses and the feelings I am feeling is the perfect reaction for my willingness for obedience for the flesh follows its own while the spirit honours and follows the will of God. She told me how I do not belong to this world anymore (John 15:19) and how I belong to another world which is the kingdom of God that can’t be found in the current world I am in but only through Jesus. I realise it’s the cares of this world that weighs me down and choke me to confusion (Matthew 13:22). So I am grateful for my mom who exposed me this.

Because of that Revelation, I reflected back on the vision God has given me, I realise how much I miss that dream but I also long for the day of His coming back. The wedding He had for me is also for every follower of Jesus. So I would want to share this verse:

Let us rejoice and exult
    and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
    and his Bride has made herself ready (Revelation 19:7)

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. (Revelation 21:2)

10 And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. (Matthew 25:10)

I have learnt that no matter where I go in this world there will always be an emphatic homesickness in me since I had the essence of what its like to be with Jesus. But at the same time, I am grateful for this because without this weakness I wouldn’t be able to understand. I have the similarity with Paul’s experience.

even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

Finally, while I am still alive I will continue to live in accordance to following the will of the Lord. For I long for the day of His coming as he promised. For even though I am weak He watches over me and takes care of me. My true home is not of this world. Also, I do not fear for the days to come because God is faithful.

Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. (Jeremiah 29:4-7)

10 “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

Therefore, I do not belong to this world and I don’t have to fight homesickness because it’s normal. In fact, I am embracing it as it reminds me of whom I truly belong to. Now, I would no longer be burdened for it is carried by Jesus and the weight of cynicism has been laid aside. I am now free of this world.

So the world has lost it’s grip on me ~ Tenth Avenue North